Continued from Hurry Up, I’m Late for My Life
My LSM (long suffering mother) picks up on the second ring. “What’s wrong?” I don’t blame her for her anxiety. I can’t remember the last time I called her during daytime working hours.
“Nothing. Except that I probably will never have children unless I act quickly” I blurt out in a rush.
She sighs. “Well, haven’t you met anybody recently?” The old college try.
“NO mum. Forget about that. You need to help me pick some sperm. Now!”
My poor LSM. Where did all her hopes and dreams for her daughter go? It has all come down to the two of us cruising the online sperm catalogues.
“Oh boy…” she sounds unenthusiastic.
“Just get online mom- today is the deadline for me to call the bank and have them deliver it” blah blah blah
The following is a brief excerpt from the painful exercise of getting her to quickly navigate the donor bank site.
“OK, I have to turn the computer on…” She proceeds to turn on her century-old computer. Thirty minutes later, it is finally running.
“Alright, so, I’ve narrowed it down to a few decent candida-” she cuts me off.
“OK, so how do I get on the website? I thought I had the address…What is the address again?” Oh god. This is interminable.
” OK…so I am on now…I don’t see any pictures” she is mumbling to herself
“MUM!” I bark at her. “Are you kidding me? Can you please move a little faster?”
“Why do they tell you he doesn’t have attached earlobes?” It’s true. There are all sorts of nano-bytes of useless information on each guy.
” I don’t know mum- too much information. Let’s focus now.”
After an agonizing period of time, we narrow it down to two guys:
1 .A Taylor Kitsch look-alike- who is 19 (!!!) years old
2. A dark haired kinda Tom Cruise look alike, who is 30 yrs old.
For a variety of reasons (of which I will spare you), I settle on candidate #2. Even though, for the record, I love Canadian born Taylor WAY more than maybe-fairy, jump- Oprah’s- couch Tom.
Oh well. I’ll always have Friday Night Lights.
The deal is done.
Less than two weeks later, I am at the drugstore, looking for ovulation kits.
I feel so grown up. Look at me! I’m looking for OVULATION kits. Like, I am grown up enough to actually be PLANNING to get pregnant! Ha! No condoms for me!
I get it. At 40 years, I should be beyond this. Let me have this moment.
Now, just have to wait to ovulate…..
Day 14 comes and goes.
Wow. Who would have thought that waiting for an egg to drop would be that anxiety provoking. I hadn’t even been inseminated yet.
Then: PING! The wonderful double line on the pee-stick.
Time for insemination!
I have a date with Tom Cruise. Even though I’ll be thinking of Taylor Kitsch.
In the meantime: relive the awesomeness that was Friday Night Lights